witnesstherevolution

No, not the song from Mulan. Though feel free to go have a listen before you read this because lets face it, you wont be able to not think about it otherwise.

Im talking about actually taking a moment to have a think, like I did just now.

I awoke this morning to the news that Patrick Swayze had lost his battle against cancer. I switched on my TV to watch back the VMAs and saw a moving tribute to Michael Jackson, the King of Pop. I checked my twitter just now to find out that Keith Floyd, a not hugely well known but a legend to those who did know him TV chef, had passed away.
Any death is a sadness, a collection of deaths is a tragedy...but I think it takes a year like this one to make us truly appreciate what it is to be alive.

I dont think there's a feeling in the world quite like waking up one morning to hear on the TV or radio that a celebrity has died. There's no heartwrenching grief like there would be if it was a relative or close friend. There's no sinking heart but stony face like there would be if it were a stranger who had been shot, or stabbed. Its not the 'what can we do? how can we help?' of a natural disaster.
Its a shock, its 'how could this happen?' And then comes the sadness, because the celebrity now feels like an aquaintance, and that aquaintance is gone. In the boring every day of our lives, celebrities become a reassuring constant, something that you can look to that doesnt change unexpectedly. They sing, they star in movies and appear on TV, they're there when you open the pages of a magazine so you can critique the dress they were wearing last night. Even when they retire or take a break, they are still there to be heard about. And then one of them goes and dies, and that constant thing in your life is rocked to the core. Its just suddenly not there.
You cant avoid it like it was a stranger, but you're not always thinking about it like it was your family. You'll mourn the celebrity with the rest of the world, and then you'll go on with your life. But every time you open a magazine, or turn on the television, expecting them to be there, and they arent, you're reminded how impermanent life can be.

Yet eventually you move on, and the celebrity becomes remembered for what they did best. Their movies, their music, their legacy.

Sometimes the world will go a long time without somebody 'of note', shall we say, dying. But some years, like this one, become a permanent morbid waiting game as to who will be the next to go. And as each one does, you remember the others that have. Each constant from your life ripped away.
Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, Michael Jackson, Ted Kennedy, DJ AM, Patrick Swayze...names off the top of my head from this year alone.
When a string of celebrities passes away you are forced to confront the fact that life itself is hideously fragile. And that even these, our constants, our celebrities, can surcome at any moment to the end of life, to death.

But burying our heads in the sand and ignoring this is allowing these people, these human beings, to die in vain. Yes, death is a tragedy and its inevitable, but these people that have died have shown us how we must appreciate life while we have it. Look around you, look at your friends, your family, your classmates, your teachers, your bus driver, the people you pass on the street. Life is precious and wasting it, in my opinion, is one of the worst crimes you could committ. Go and hug the people you love and live your life to the fullest, because you never know whats going to happen tomorrow.

Earlier today I conducted a semi-scientific experiment out of curiosity and also to prove a point. Like many people, I have read the Twilight "saga". And like some people, I have extensive issues with this poor excuse for literature. My dislike of the books caused me to sign up as a member on the website www.twilightsucks.com. I discuss the books in their forums with other people who have similar issues as myself. On average I spend about half an hour a day on the site, though I have been known to spend up to 2 hours on there when Im bored.

Recently (over the past few months) I noticed Ive been experiencing more headaches than I normally do, as well as increasingly irritable and intolerant behaviour. Not a huge amount more, but definitely more. This could be due to many things, but even more recently (last week) I eventually realised that the headaches and bad moods were loosely correlating with the time I spent reading passages of and discussing the Twilight "saga" online.

I'd like to mention at this point that this experiment is entirely personal. I am in no way suggesting that this is what happens to everyone or what will happen to you if you decide to read the Twilight books or pay a visit to the forums of TS.com. This is only my individual experience.

Now I know Im not the only one who will say that the Twilight phenomenon makes them angry. For such an appalling, anti-feminist, badly written piece of garbage to be so popular and globally acclaimed paints a worrying picture of society today. Its no wonder that such thoughts can make a person angry. And certainly I can vouch for the fact that the anti-Twilight discussion forums contain a lot of anger as well as well structured, sensible arguments against the books.

However I also happen to be a second year student of Biomedical Sciences and it occured to me that my anger at Twilight and my headaches and moods were probably connected. In fact, once the idea came into my head, it seemed so obvious.

Hypertension (more commonly known as high blood pressure) is the condition in which a person's blood pressure is consistently above a certain level. In the UK that level is 140/90 (140 over 90). The average normal adult blood pressure is 120/80. Somebody with a blood pressure that is raised above this level for a sustained period of time is diagnosed as suffering from 'high blood pressure', or hypertension. Generally hypertension has no obvious symptoms, but people can suffer from headaches and, in more severe cases, problems with vision, fits and even blackouts. Severe, long term hypertension can lead to an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, kidney disease and permanent damage to vision.

Thankfully I can say I have experienced nothing more than a few headaches and I seriously doubt that it would ever lead on to the more serious symptoms and consequences of hypertension. But I did want to find out if the cause of my headaches was linked to my blood pressure becoming raised due to the anger I felt when reading/discussing Twilight. So I designed a very simple experiment in attempt to test this.
First I would measure my blood pressure at rest, when I was completely relaxed. Then I would read a section of Twilight for half an hour, undisturbed, with no distractions and as little physical movement as possible (to try and keep the experiment accurate and fair). Afterwards I would measure my blood pressure again to see if it was in any way raised.

My preparation for the experiment was simple: do absolutely nothing out of the ordinary to make me stressed in any way. I went grocery shopping, watched some TV, ate lunch and had a shower. Then, using a sphygmomanometer (device for measuring blood pressure), I noted my initial blood pressure: 115/62. Although slightly low, this is well within the normal range.

Laying on my bed I opened my copy of Twilight at random and flicked to the beginning of that chapter. It was chapter 18, in which the vampires Laurent, James and Victoria interupt the Cullens baseball game and James (a tracker) becomes fixated on Bella. In my allocated half an hour I read all of chapters 18 and 19, ending where Alice, Jasper and Bella go on the run from James and Victoria.

After the half an hour I took my blood pressure again: 132/85. I also, on impulse, took my heart rate: 93 beats per minute (average heart rate is 60-100 bpm, depending on age and physical fitness). Compared to my normal, that heart rate is noticeably high. And, as you can see, my blood pressure was also higher than at rest. Although technically 132/85 is still considered normal, it is obviously raised compared to my resting blood pressure and it is getting close to the level that, exceeding it, would indicate medical hypertension.

Obviously this is only one, very small, experiment and it in no way proves conclusively that my headaches are due to high blood pressure or that it is indeed anger at Twilight that causes my high blood pressure in the first place.
Unfortunately I have neither the time, nor the resources to further investigate my theory, but I hope you can at least agree that there is enough evidence here to support the hypothesis that Twilight can indeed be bad for your health.

I felt like having a bit of a blog, so here I am.
Ive had a mostly lonely day, theres something really depressing about spending almost the whole day inside one room by yourself. It also gives you a ridiculously bad headache *goes to find pills* Anyway...its kind of ridiculous how I miss some people sometimes...well, one person. I get far too attached, far too easily, and for some reason its always the effed up ones. Why dont I ever like normal people? Its getting actually quite ridiculous.
I cant think too philosophically about things or I get really depressed. Ive also just realised how OCD I am about spelling in my blogs, which makes no sense. I had to go back and rewrite about like 5 times because each time I spelled it 'aboyt'.
So what have I spent my day doing?
1) watching QI and Will&Grace online
2) obsessively checking twitter
3) obsessively checking youtube
4) messing around on facebook
5) playing games
Literally, thats it for like 6 hours. My eyes will turn rectangular and my brain will melt with all the radiation from my laptop...or something like that.
I got yellow nail polish, so I can paint my nails and pretend to be more interesting than I am. Its funny how people go to extremes, Ive gone from refusing to wear anything but black and grey to loving anything florescent and neon. And I refuse to believe I follow trend, I take trends and shape them to be my own.
Ive forgotten why Im doing this, I just like typing quickly. Theres a sense of satisfaction about hearing my fingers hit the keys in quick succession and watching the worlds come out. I wish I had the patience to be a writer, I really do, but I get bored of writing too quickly to ever finish anything. Ive finished two things in my life, both of which were fanfic and both of which need endless correcting. Yeah, me = not a writer. Im more artistic than I used to be, which pleases me, still not as much as Id like though. When I draw something pretty and colour it in, I feel happy.
I need a new profile pic, Im totally not happy with the one I have at the moment. Ill be a camera whore soon, when my audrey k tshirt arrives. Might even dye my hair pink temporarily in the honour.

Eyes hurt too much to blog any more, brain...losing...will...to...live...

No Im just kidding. But that is it for now, I think the poor interwebz has had enough of my mindless waffle.
Peace out everyone.

Happy birthday for thursday and congrats to Pete and Ashlee!

This blog is for you Bronx xxxxx

Those that died in the recent Travis Barker plane crash. Its a tragedy to lose any life, my thoughts are with their family and friends.
Here's hoping that neither of the survivors surcome to their injuries.

finally 18 ftw

I neglect this blog
oh well, Im having too much fun to care

mr wentz
hope asslee got you something pretty

just marking the day

just went for a very long walk in the rain. completely voluntarily. crazy I know, but I felt like it.
there was no one around and the wind was blowing and all the paths in the woods around my house were turned to mud...at one point I just started running down the road laughing because I couldnt stay still any longer. its oddly therapeutic, being blown left right and center and running like you just dont care. I took my camera as well and took some rather fantastic pictures. well I say fantastic, they were just things I saw that I felt would be cool to have pictures of. plus I wanted to prove to someone that grey can be pretty too. some guy in the harbour asked what I was doing, I told him I was taking pics for an art project. blatent lying but at least it didnt make me look crazy. walking...on my own...taking pictures in the rain...
I didnt get as cold as I thought I would, I was well wrapped up in scarf, gloves, hoodie and waterproof jacket. but even so not even my ears got cold, and my ears are always cold.
at one point I had the overwhelming feeling I was being followed. I read a book once that warns against looking over your shoulder too many times to check if you are being followed (because you might have a children's nightmare following you who will kill you if you look round 3 times), instead you should stop, close your eyes and count to ten. so thats what I do now, and it does work in helping me shake off the paranoid feeling.
Im not sure what this blog-ish-ness is achieving, other than wasting time till mother decides to get tea ready. guess I felt like writing, just like earlier I felt like walking.
maybe...maybe life isnt as bad as it first seems to be. life isnt scripted, it doesnt have a definite plot that leads to a set-in-stone ending (other than death, and really there are infinite ways of getting there). you decide what happens between birth and death, its your decision how your life goes, how every day plays out. you can waste it, or you can live it. and living it may be hard sometimes, but it never stays that way, there are always good times and good people around even if you dont realise it. now watch me write my own story for the in-between, watch me live and watch me succeed.

and I dont use that word lightly
bring the ! back
right now
remember who put you where you are
I was there when you kicked out brent
now I can say I was there when you sold out
congrats, youve officially lost my respect as a band

I lie, I cheat, I play games, I do anything I can to keep myself on top, better and ahead of the rest.
And you know what?
It works.

the guitarist of Hawthorne Heights died in his sleep last night. he was 26 years old
I dont even listen to them much, but...I felt the need to say something
wow mortality. makes you think
my every sympathy is with his family, friends and his fans. the world has lost a good person.
RIP Casey

so much happening, so little time
cant wrap my head around it
just gotta get through it
Im happy in my own little way
wish this would hurry up or stop forever
I keep getting the urge to capture moments of my life on camera so they dont get forgotten
why cant life be like a storybook?
always happy endings

care. fucking care about me. I know you do so show it. sometimes I wish you'd maybe put me first. god knows I do it enough for you.
you're different, you're unpredictable...Im done making excuses for you. Im done. I love you with all my fucking heart, god knows that you're my best friend, but I want to scream and shout and hit you and force you to care about me.
I want to cry and I want you to hold me. but I know you wont and it kills me.
dont tell me it sucks, look after me. let me scream into your shoulder, dont make me scream behind your back.
I want to die when you do this to me, I feel sick.
if you push any more, I wont come back.


everyone who reads this who isnt the 'you' that Im talking about, and that person will never read this, please dont be concerned or reply with long comments trying to make me feel better. I just needed to vent.

well, where to start...
there is nowhere
its just my life and I live it how I live it.
sometimes I get so tired of having to type and type and type for people to understand. sometimes I dont want to relive the events of a crappy day again slowly as I type them out, but Im so desperate for someone to understand that I do it anyway.
its weird that the people all around understand so little of me. the people I see everyday who live through the same shit at school and stuff...they just dont understand.
and maybe its because I dont give them a chance to understand me fully, maybe its because I dont know them well enough to know if they are actually feeling the same...but it still feels weird to me that no one else can be feeling this stress that I feel.
everyone is different, but surely I cant be the only one thats tired of it all? thats scared of the future? that relies on about 5 people to get her through and met them all through the internet?
(met one in real life and those three days keep me going)
I dont get it. someone explain life to me please...answers on a postcard, my address is out of here

but Im feeling really out of my head right now. Im not sure if I want to laugh hysterically, scream or burst into tears...
I think screaming and crying is therapeutic, everyone should have a soundproof private room where they can go and scream and cry all they want to. lets the emotions out, cause we all know it isnt good to keep them in. any way to get emotions out helps, thats why I blog. when I cant cry, I blog or write. thats just how I roll.
anyway, Im not sure even blogging is good for me right now because of how damn tired I am. might go and sleep this aching head away.

I want to apologise for my flaws just to hear you tell me that its ok

checked buzznet in my free, found out fall out boy won best group at the vmas

thought this deserved a journal of its own recording how SO FUCKING PROUD OF THEM I AM!

well done boys, you deserve it.

that is all. back to work.

so for the last three days Ive felt ok again. after everything, all the shit Ive been going through (a lot of it probably self inflicted), the last three days have been heaven. complete relaxation and oblivion from the ridiculous state of my life. one of my friends (met over the internet, and dont tell me anything about internet friends not being trustworthy/as good/whatever cause I dont want to hear it) stayed with me for a few days and succeeded in convincing me life wasnt as bad as all that. we didnt really do anything special, we watched TV and watched a few films, we hung out at the beach and we went shopping. but it was good, it was so good talking face to face with someone I knew would understand me, and when I cried would hug me and not tell me to stop being so silly.

after the rain goes, there are rainbows
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjHZIYlLWPQ
^ watch and listen, its good

sorry, back to what I was saying.
Ive become convinced that the need for love, reassurance and physical affection is a medical condition. because for the last three days Ive had all three and Ive never felt better.
now unfortunatly Im without them again, as she left this morning (with much crying and 'dont go', 'I wish I didnt have to' stuff), and I feel kinda moody and tearful. I definitely dont feel as bad as I did before though, Ive got some of my fight back.
you know you all missed scrappy lucy, well now she's back so ha!
so all in all, my absence due to depression is over (I hope) and my absence due to school is about to start (I go back on wednesday). but hopefully I can cling onto the fragile goodness Im feeling now, make it stronger and brighter and treat this year like a new beginning, without the depression of the summer.
wish me luck, I feel like Im gonna need it...

about what to do with my life. crazy or constructive, Id welcome any input right now

up to stay with my family for the decaydance fest and shit. cant say Im looking forward to it, other than the concert obviously, Id pretty much rather stay at home.
I feel truly awful right now, nothing in my life is going how I want it to. Im pretty sure Im depressed, like the proper medical condition and not what everyone says they are when they have a bad day. I dont know what to do with myself, sometimes I honestly dont see the point in living any more. no one knows how fucked up I am except me, so no one can help me. different people know different bits but no one knows the whole story. I feel burned out and torn up, physically sick every day, crying every day. and the prospect of feeling like this every single fucking day for god knows how long, possibly forever, I cant take it. I cant take it any more. I feel like I cant cry any more, but I always seem to.
lets hope a few days away sorts my head out a bit. at least it can hardly make me feel any worse. I should probably touch some sort of wood now *touches wood*

it fucking annoys me is when family guilt trips you into doing something for them because they believe it is their right. Im going to a concert in london that involves me and my mum staying with my aunt, who is the full time carer of my grandparents. we live too far away from them to be able to help regularly with their care. so they feel it is their right to demand that my mum stays for almost a week to take a turn looking after them.
ok, fair enough, maybe we should do more. but when we arent in our own house, with me and our dog there as well to take care of, with things/people/stuff I have to be at home for...its extra fucking stress for my mum and me and they dont fucking care. I know it sounds cruel, but I know my family; all they care about is getting a fucking break and punishing my mum for not helping more often. they dont give a shit about us or what we might have been doing, they dont get that we have lives too and maybe we dont help because we cant because we are too far away. and they go and guilt trip my mum into doing something we dont want to do, stress we could really do without BECAUSE THEY ARE BEING FUCKING SELFISH AND DONT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!

endrant/
sorry, I needed to get that out